The Lament of a Non Soldier in a Soldier's World

Big operation out of the FOB… lots of soldiers, helicopters, big guns, Afghan National Army troops, massing for a mission and then gone. There is always a mission going out each day, but this was my first experience with a big one. A specter of tension hangs over the FOB and it gets verbalized at the medical aid station. Every time the phone rings (and it doesn't ring often) it might mean a KIA or a WIA notification. This fear is born out when the phone rings this morning—an IED strike—no injuries.

Along with this news is word that several bad guys were killed by an F15 that was prowling ahead of the US insertion—SSgt R, my NCO, was talking with the airborne infantrymen and he said they were joking about getting guts on their boots as they get out of the helos—gallows humor as they stand on the brink. Enemy deaths are subtly celebrated, representing one less guy who might kill one of our guys.

Early in the morning I ran for an hour, making loops past the ECP where a large convoy of MRAPs was lined up waiting for orders to leave, guys sitting in body armor and Kevlar helmets behind deadly looking 50 cals and Mk 19s. I had a vague sense of guilt that I stay at the FOB, working on my PT, while they prepare to look for IEDs, get shot at and shoot back. I wonder if I will be more useful to them if I have experienced what they have…

I've seen about 20 different people since I've been here, and my combat experience (or lack thereof) has not been an issue. Part of me thinks that I would need my own services if I was rolling out in convoys—which would render me pretty ineffective in my primary duty here.

To make myself feel better I remind myself that I'm not a Soldier—I'm an Airman, I'm a health care professional inserted into this environment so that Soldiers have easy access to me, not so that I can do what they do. By default I may experience my share of exposure to these stressors, but experiencing the stressors is not a task I need to check off in order to get my job done.

Lately, planning missions, I've felt jealous of other USAF folks who stay at Bagram or are assigned to places like Kuwait, or Qatar. They don't have to even consider riding in convoys or flying out to 20 man combat outposts on the Paki border. Why couldn't I have been so lucky?

I think some of this comes from something the battalion commander said to me a week back, he said "I need you forward deployed, so that the guys can see you doing the things they do, get mortared with them… so you know what they know." I see his point, and I see how getting the "street cred" will possibly make things easier, but then again… I don't need to have experienced a panic attack or a major depressive episode to help someone manage the symptoms.

I vacillate back and forth, trying to sort out what it will take to do a good job here, how to minimize our risks but still get the job done, how to create a balance between heroically going anywhere for the mission, but still maximizing our chances of getting back home safely.

Ugh. I guess that's part of the burden of leadership. If you make a decision you need to be willing to live with the consequences. Risking the guilt of being too conservative, versus the consequences of dismissing risk.

One thing that helps… this may sound strange… is that I remind myself of how "bombproof" those bunkers really are, and MRAPs are pretty damn tough. That seems like such a screwed up thing for ME to be thinking about… I should be thinking about getting home early for dinner, finding a new job, playing with the kids… (then the Voice comes in and says "what the HELL was I thinking?")

Pointless direction to go down at this point.

I just need to break the seal on these missions, get a few done, and hope that with experience will come clarity.