Bagram (BAF) Part 3

Today was orientation training-- orienting us to the threats in this AOR. I'll spare you the details because you really don't want to know, and I can't talk about most of it either: a lot of it was discussing threat countermeasures, current trends, etc.

The ride out to the facility was interesting, going along the perimeter road, seeing old Soviet defensive positions and mine lines, which are corridors where the Soviets put down antipersonnel mines around the base perimeter. A bit of irony talking about defeating insurgents while sitting in a Soviet base (that was abandoned by the Soviets) getting attacked by the same guys who we trained and armed to defeat the Soviets. Anyway...

I am now confirmed on a flight manifest and scheduled to leave for my FOB this week. This is good for two reasons: (1) I leave Bagram Air Field and (2) I am not going by convoy. You can read the news and deduce for yourself why I have the second sentiment.

Related to this, I found out today that not only is Afghanistan geographically larger than Iraq, but it also has a larger population, several million more than Iraq. At the same time, the coalition forces number at less than half the numbers in Iraq. I think the ISAF (International Security Assistance Force) numbers at about 50k.

I have to admit some measure of fear now-- it's like it will get real as soon as I leave the relative safety of BAF. I've heard good things about my FOB (read: secure) and the place is not in the news, which is good. My fear is not just mortal fear but it's also fear of the unknown, fear of the distance and the time, fear of not being able to do a good job at what I am supposed to do. Like most fears, mine are exaggerated and disproportionate therefore I am confident that once I face them, they will shrink down in size... and no, by "shrink" I'm not referring to the "pucker factor".

Bagram Part 2

I need to apologize for my 11 July post-- I didn't edit it before I published and there were some typos... woops. Things are looking up today. I am keeping my good quarters (no hell tent for me) and getting adjusted to the place. I have photos to publish but no flash drive to transport them-- I accidentally left my flash drive in an MWR computer and by the time I remembered and came back a few hours later, someone had taken it. It had a few photos and a bunch of work on it, some of which I do not have backed up in my laptop. Lesson learned.
I have newcomers orientation training all day today and then some combat stress control orientation tomorrow. The earliest I may get out of here (get to the FOB) is Tuesday, but I've been told that I could wait as long as a week.
Apart from training I'm trying to get last minute shopping done-- get the things that are unavailable at the FOB, like razors, a flash drive, a pillow, DVDs. Here in the market on base you can get pirated copies of recently released movies for like 2 dollars-- the new Batman movie (in theaters next week I think), Hellboy 2, The Hulk. I watched “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story” last night (very funny I must say)-- the guy I borrowed it from paid $2 and it was a flawless copy. I'll try to score a copy of “Kung Fu Panda” to send to the kids. If anyone wants cheap movies, let me know (that's probably illegal, so I was just joking). I'm also considering getting a prepaid Afghan Wireless cellphone-- I think incoming calls from the US might be free and people swear that most of the country has good coverage, although I have heard that the Taliban blows up cell towers on a regular basis. We'll see...

Made it to Bagram

Capt America: Jet lagged in Frankfurt

I'll briefly summarize the trip: 7 hour flight to Germany followed by a 30 hour delay. 8 hours of the delay was spent in the Maritim in Frankfurt. 4 hours was spent in a bus getting to and from the hotel. 1 hour was spent looking for 3 missing soldiers who got wasted the night before at the hotel bar and then went out on the town in downtown Frankfurt.

That was followed by a 5 hour flight to southern Turkey and then a 5 hour flight to Bishkek and Manas Air Base, arriving at 5am. Manas is a transit point for everyone coming in and out of Afghanistan and as such it has many amenities in a small space. It was clean, organized and obviously well run. Once in-processed I was expecting to be in Manas for about 16 hours, waiting on a military flight to Bagram.

Photos of Manas AB:

Getting on these flights is a crap-shoot because things change constantly depending on mission needs, weather, maintenance issues, and probably alot of other things I'm not aware of... We needed to check in for our flight at 0155 (that's AM) and I was resigned to experiencing a third sleepless night of travel. As luck would have it I got out of Manas about 8 hours after arriving. I managed to hitch a ride on a C 130 Hercules that was carrying cargo to Bagram but had space for five passengers plus their gear. It was an exciting ride over the "hump" to Afghanistan, flying through the impressively bleak Tian Shan range and over the beautiful lake Issyk Kul.

Photos inside the Herc:

A winding 2.5 hour flight got us to Bagram and I got to experience a tactical descent in a C 130-- it seemed like the pilot basically points the plane at the ground and opens the throttle, and then at the last minute executes a hard turn and glides onto the runway. The cargo packed in the hold was rocking and swaying and looking pretty deadly, as it was all poised uphill of us inside the aircraft, strapped down by cargo straps that had seen better days.

Getting out of the plane was like being back in Vegas-- it was windy, dusty and hot and the horizon was ringed with dry, steep mountains. I made a quick phone call and was met by a Sergeant from my unit, Task Force Med. He welcomed me, I strapped on my leg iron, and we loaded up my gear in a big crew cab pickup. He was going to get me in temp housing and briefly orient me to Bagram so I could eat, shower, make phone calls...

The first stop was the hellish tent city that is known as "transitional lodging". Every tent was filled with hundreds of cots fitted about 18 inches apart and each cot had a lounging soldier with piles of gear. It was hot, crowded, chaotic, and smelled like a homeless shelter: body odor, nicotine sweat, and dirt. Soldiers sat around listening to ganster rap and calling each other "bitch". The Sergeant said "this ain't right" and to make a long story short, he found me better quarters. Whether or not I'll be able to stay in them for the duration of my time in Bagram (maybe two or three more days) remains to be seen, but I am deeply in his debt. My biggest anxiety at the moment is the fear that I may be moved back into that tent-- it's the stuff of nightmares. Unfortunately I'll probably stay there on my way back through Bagram when I come home, but at least it will cold then, which will keep down the stink, and I probably won't care by that point.

Bagram is a bit shabby and dirty, but that's expected. The unsettling part is the number of people that seems to be crammed into this base. There is a line for everything (food, phones, computers, the BX, bathrooms) and the place feels on edge.

I had take out dinner at the KBR chowhall and walked back towards my lodging. F 15s were taking off from the adjacent flightline, full afterburners making them look like rockets launching into space. A big convoy of MRAPS chugged down the road beside me, headed out or coming in from a mission. Hordes of people walked in both directions, contractors, Army, USAF. Dust, diesel, people. I felt very alone and asked myself what the hell I was doing here. I was a little depressed, thinking about the huge gap of 6 months that seems to yawn before me (yes, I realize the Army deploys for 12 months). That's always eaten at me, but now I am realizing that maybe this will be harder than I thought it would be.

When I get to my new "home" and get into a flow it will be easier. Meet some people, start working and make some meaning out of all this. I keep reminding myself to remind myself that I must have a purpose and goals while I am here. My morale will follow, and the time will pass more quickly if it is purposeful time. I can see how it would be easy to fall into the trap of just biding time, or being consumed by what a suffer-fest it is and will continue to be. Yes, the toilets are gross, your friends and family are on the other side of the world, and it is hot and dirty and everyone in the Army smells like a sweaty cigarette. But, I'm going to make some good happen if I have to go through all that... otherwise it will be a lost 6 months from my life.

I have a few days of briefings and in-processing but they have already submitted my request for transportation to my FOB, so it's on, just a matter of time. It's going to take me some time to adjust to this...

Delayed!

Well, I got to Germany without a hitch and without too much pain. It was looking like we would be out of Ramstein AB on time but we sat around until they told us there was a mechanical problem and they needed to send a truck to Frankfurt to get a part. Four hours later they told us we would be delayed for 24 hours. No one is sure what happens next, but it sounds like we will be put up somewhere overnight.

In the meantime I’ve run my laptop battery down (I didn’t bring a Euro adapter) and I tried to nap on a hard bench. I can’t seem to focus enough to read… The Ramstein AB passenger terminal is nice though—very modern with exposed beams—all stainless steel and glass—even though it is a bit crowded with at least 200 people in transit. I feel really bad for the families with small children. I've seen a few little guys who are just trashed.

I’m still waiting, not much hurrying up. Maybe I’ll get a good night’s rest and my jet lag won’t be as bad as it would have been!

Baltimore

Staying at a nice hotel near the Baltimore airport. Last night I had an 11pm salad and an 11 dollar beer (it was a Duvel and yes, it was worth 11 dollars). The waiter/bartender came over and shook my hand, bought me a second beer, and said "thanks." Every few minutes the sounds of airliners arriving and departing rattles the windows. Today I slept in, answered emails, spoke on the phone, dismantled and cleaned my M16 and my M9. In total I'll get about 20 hours here at the hotel. The military is all about hurrying up and then waiting, but this is a decent way to do it. I'm quite sure that the waiting part will be much less pleasant from here on out. I'll have two major layovers in Kyrgyzstan and at Bagram Air Base before I get to my new home. Won't be able to stay at the Hilton in Bishkek, but I think I'll be interested only in getting to the FOB as soon as possible to just get it started.

I guess I'll go take my last shower in a nice bathroom-- it's one of those big glassed-in showers with granite tiles.

Broken Hearts

At 7:30 am there was a painful breaking of hearts on Short Term Parking Level 2M at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas. Luke, Colleen, and my hearts were spilt asunder in the dimly lit parking garage. Nia was beautifully oblivious, sweetly singing the words "goodbye" to some inner tune she had playing in her head. She asked me: "you have drops in your eyes?"

By 12:00 I was eating lunch at a concourse Mexican restaurant in Phoenix, waiting for my delayed flight to start boarding. I was sitting with the Staff Sergeant who is deploying with me and another young female Airman (Airperson?) from Nellis who is deploying to Kandahar for 179 days. We had just ordered lunch and a few beers, speculating about how long our delay would be. The waitress came by smiling, and told us that our tab was being picked up by a table by the window. I looked over and saw an older man and woman wave at us. They were getting ready to leave, so I walked over to them to say "thank you". I shook their hands and expressed my appreciation. They said they had a son who was currently in the military and the gentleman said that he served 4 years during Vietnam. They asked where we were going and they wished us "Godspeed" before leaving. I was slightly embarassed, but it felt good.

Since I have worn a uniform I have always felt slightly uncomfortable when people thank me "for my service." I have felt uncomfortable because I feel like my "service" to our country is an obligation, and I also feel that it is no more deserving of thanks and praise than any of a number of other jobs. Somebody's gotta do this job, yes, but it's not like I'm a martyr. I am no infantryman either, that's for sure. Thank a teacher (they get shot at too) or a social worker, or someone who works some other unglamorous underpaid job serving others.

Nevertheless, today I was on the receiving end of many well wishes and kind gestures that ranged from simple words of comfort, offers for prayer, and people buying me tacos and beer. It made me shake off some of my typical cynicism about human nature, made me talk a little more(I typically avoid talking to strangers as if everyone were diseased), and made me smile a little more. But maybe I'm just more receptive with the raw emotional nerves of saying goodbye.

The departure makes me more open to accepting those words and actions from people who just want to express thanks, patriotism, caring, or maybe they have friends and family who have deployed. I'm not normally one to take comfort in the words of strangers, but today it felt okay. It seemed to add a little color to an emotionally bleak day.

I'm definitely going to pass those gestures on to someone down the road...

Cap'n America

Luke's friend "Cap" will be my traveling companion. Here he is posing in front of gleaming steel and marble at the Hilton. Look for more of him in the future.

Leaving Las Vegas

Thanks for all the calls and emails. I have felt the love. I depart Las Vegas tomorrow morning.

We had a great weekend here, spent doing what we usually do on weekends. I tried to soak up every last little bit, paying attention to each moment, knowing that in only 24 hours I will keenly miss even the most mundane and annoying aspects of my domestic life. I think the lesson for me is that there is really no such thing as a throw-away moment. Wouldn't it be nice if we knew that from the start?

In the early morning I have to meet some USAF people at the airport to pick up my weapons and then I'm off. Coll and the kids will drive me there and drop me off at the curb. Some people I spoke with about leaving suggested I arrange to leave the kids with someone, to avoid a scene at the airport. I laughed at the idea, because I would never do it and the kids wouldn't stand for it. I want them to know that I am leaving on an airplane, in my uniform, with big bags of stuff that they helped pack. I want them to know that I am going on a long trip because people come back home from trips-- to ride my bike, wear my clothes in the closet, play monster on the living room floor. There won't be a dry eye... I just hope that I can shake Luke off my leg.

I still haven't done a dry run on the bag drag (whether or not my full load is movable) and I've been pretty lax on the physical conditioning over the past month, so if I get to Afghanistan without a ruptured disc or pulled muscles it will be a miracle.

If friends and family are reading this (I don't know who else would be...) all I ask is that you keep an eye out for my family, give them a call or plan a visit.

I don't leave the country until Tuesday night so I'll still be taking and making phone calls through that night. I'll post on the blog through Tuesday but will probably go silent until Thursday or Friday, depending on when I next get access to a network connection.

Take care and I love you all!

Independence Day, Wieners, etc.

We got an early start on the 112 degree heat and hit the Summerlin July 4 parade for the second year in a row. The kids love it and I love it that they love it. There was about a 1/2 mile walk from the car for a spot of shade, we spread the blanket and watched the spectacle: church groups, dance academies, the VFW, the base commander from Nellis, Darth Vader...

Nia saw Chewbacca and asked Colleen: "that big hairy guy have a wiener?"

Later on, after Nia's nap, we indulged in our luxurious portable pool experience to beat the afternoon heat...

The Left Captain wearing non-permethrin treated uniform

Yesterday I finished a week of outprocessing, which entails getting around 100 signatures from 100 different offices in order to get the green light to deploy. It's a combination of an administrative and medical clearance process. I got two more anthrax vaccinations, a teeth cleaning, and a physical exam. I was given a document folder with professional credentials, NATO documents, DoD orders, my training records, medical records and flight information to get me to where I need to go.

At a hurried meeting in an anonymous Nellis AFB building I received the final stamp and was put on orders to Afghanistan despite violating one deployment requirement. During the meeting I answered "No" when asked by the mobility sergeant if I had treated my uniforms with the permethrin insect repellant they give us. The label on the repellant package clearly states: "hazardous to humans" so I decided not to apply it to my clothing. Maybe I'm an idiot but I'll wait and see how bad the bugs are... if they are bad enough to risk exposing my skin to a suspected neurotoxicant and carcinogen then maybe I will apply it to my uniforms...

My personal preparation has involved some precision packing. I have two 45 pound duffels, a 30 pound weapons case, and a 30 pound carry-on bag.

One duffel is completely filled with my Army issue of combat and load-bearing gear. I have two different types of backpacks, a ridiculous number of ammo and grenade pouches, a first aid kit, Kevlar helmet, two pairs of boots, two pairs of gloves, dust goggles and ballistic sunglasses, gun cleaning kits, a sleeping bag with Gore-Tex bivy sack, Leatherman, folding knife, strap cutter, drop leg holster, 100oz Camelbak, and some other random stuff.

The other duffel is all clothing and uniforms and my carry-on is mostly personal electronics, books and a few survival toiletries. In Kyrgyzstan I'll get even more stuff before I fly into Bagram: body armor, chem suit, and a second set of Gore-Tex jacket and pants (?)

I really have no idea of how I will carry everything from one point to another.

Chocolate and Chile

Today is July 3, so we just have a few days left. We'll go to a July 4th parade and we have plans to do lunch with friends at the Hofbrauhaus. Probably watch "Star Wars" and "Little Mermaid", play superheroes and have a tea party. I keep telling friends and family that I am trying hard to just live each moment as it comes

In that spirit, Luke and Nia and I made "Chocolate Chile Cream Pots" from the cookbook "With a Measure of Grace: The Story and Recipes of a Small Town Restaurant". We had it at the Hell's Backbone Grill in Utah, garnished with whipped cream and some kind of edible flower petals. The kids loved it, even though they knew it had red chile in it. It's pretty amazing stuff:

6 egg yolks

9 ounces sweet chocolate

2 ounces unsweetened chocolate

2 cups heavy cream

1/2 cup half & half

1/2 tsp salt

2 teaspoons powdered hot Chimayo chile

1. Whip egg yolks and set aside. Heat chocolate, cream and half & half together, stirring constantly until it is an even consistency and color. Add salt and chile powder and let simmer for one minute.

2. Pour hot chocolate mixture in with yolks and blend until smooth.

3. While mixture is still hot, pour into dessert cups and chill for one hour.

4. Garnish with whipped cream, grated chocolate

"Military see presidential race through own lens"

I've seen this topic in the news recently. I have yet to observe this political trend among my USAF and Army peers (still seems pretty darned conservative to me)... I've never fully understood the "military service" issue in conservative politics. After all, the darling of the Republican party (Reagan) never served overseas during WW II and George W. Bush was in the National Guard during Vietnam and he never served overseas. Isn't that essentially the same as having someone with no military experience?

It seems to me like it's in military voter's best interest to NOT have a long war to fight, so wouldn't that mean that the military voter would be likely to vote for anti-war candidates? Unless you like to deploy a lot... which I know is not true for most military members.

In what may be one sign of the trend, individuals who identified themselves as members of the uniformed services have donated 38 percent of their dollars to Democratic candidates, party committees and leadership PACs so far this election cycle, compared with 22 percent during the 2000 campaign overall, according to the Center for Responsive Politics, a Washington-based group that tracks political campaign money

HOT!

Just to give you an idea of how joyful Las Vegas is in the summer... the following photos. The first was taken at about 5pm and it was 109 degrees. I had just gotten out of my car (parked in the drive) and I wondered how hot it was in the car. I placed the temp sensor in the car and it got up to about 146 degrees. I took it out and put it back into the shaded carport and got a high of 116 degrees around 6:30pm. Today it was even hotter. It is a dry heat, as they say, with a humidity that hovers around 10%, but as I write this at 9:30 pm it is still 100 degrees. It is impressively hot.
The first year we lived here one of my kid's plastic cars actually melted on the back porch (it was a black car)-- the little roof caved in on itself and the windows bubbled out. I was impressed.

Afghanistan News

This is good news, since the Pakistanis need to be involved, following yesterday's news of more Taliban attacks on US forces from inside Pakistan. Recent news has been bad and it is an interesting contrast from news in early June that described the Taliban as being on the "brink of defeat".

The region I will be operating in borders the Pakistani region known as Waziristan. This region is very much the wild west of Pakistan and it is also a major base of operations for the Taliban and Al-Qaeda.

Vacation

I've been kind of lame with the blog lately, but only because I am spending every free minute with my family. I'll pick things up here in a few days.

I'm down to about one week in the USA left...

Calm #2

The second night in Boulder Utah. A little warmer, but the sun has just set over the Aquarius Plateau and the Tibetan prayer flags and wind chime over the garden are whipping in a northerly wind.

Today we attempted the Calf Creek Falls hike but aborted when the kids were on the verge of a 10am meltdown. We recovered gracefully with a short hike downstream on the Escalante River Canyon... found a small beach tucked in a riverine corridor of russian olive, tamarisk and cottonwood. Played in the clear water for hours. We chased minnows and snakes and forgot about the world beyond the canyon.

Not much of a hike, but we managed to lose ourselves.

Calm

The one electronic accessory I didn't bring on this roadtrip is the USB cable for the camera. I have great photos but no way to upload them. Pictures come later...

This moment has me sitting on a porch in remote Boulder, Utah looking south as early summer light fades over the Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument. I have my dog sleeping at my feet, a small glass of 2005 Beaujolais Villages at my elbow, and the sound of robins and wind in the cottonwoods. I'm waiting for the stars but it's a partly cloudy evening (moving slowly eastward across the sky) so I’m not hopeful. The war and the future and the Air Force and Las Vegas seem a million miles away. Tomorrow I’ll take my five year old and three year old children walking down these mysterious canyons that drain the western edge of the Colorado Plateau. We’ll be looking for smooth sand, cool water, coyote tracks and pictographs and I will be savoring every moment…

My destination

This is a photo of FOB ***** from a few years back. Looks kind of like Fort Apache from an old John Wayne film... or the Las Vegas valley without casinos and subdivisions. I've heard it's scenic, cool, and has running water.

News!

Today was a big day. I got an exact departure date (after July 4) and I found out that I am headed for some sort of forward operating base that is a short helo ride from Bagram AFB. About 60 miles from Kabul and 50 miles from the Afghan-Pakistani border—at about 8000ft in the mountains. From my initial info (gleaned from a second-hand email) it is a “good place to be” but that is accompanied with a warning to make sure that “if there are any personal hygiene items that you really like, make sure you bring them with you.” (Toothpaste?)

I sent out an email requesting more information about living conditions, what the work is like, what I need to bring… Hopefully I’ll get a more fleshed out picture in my mind. The next round of questions will be related to amount of travel outside of the wire, and frequency of rocket/mortar attacks at the location—my other two major concerns.

At the very least this gives me something to focus on. It will probably mean that I will be my own boss, and I like that. Should be interesting. I’ll keep you posted.

Yummy

I'll be dry for 6 months so I'm indulging in these during the month of June. If you can find them at your local beer purveyor you should try them out. They are brewed in Quebec, so it's my way of escaping to Canada...

Update

I'm back in Vegas and will resume posting this weekend. I'm just enjoying my family and staying away from anything else as much as possible.
I should find out my actual assignment within the next 5-6 days. Although I won't be able to publish where I will be assigned, I will at least be able to share whether or not I will be dodging mortars at a small FOB (which is what I am hoping to AVOID).

I am brave enough to publicly admit that I am a big coward. More on that later…

A week of contemplating combat stress...

I saw this in the Washington Post the other day. It reminded me of my recent time at Fort McCoy, where the sound of small arms and artillery from the dozens of firing ranges is almost constant and added to that are the sounds of various pyrotechnic devices (mortar and rocket simulators). I don't know what a battlefield sounds like, but probably something like that. That stuff is LOUD. I imagine that someone returning from Iraq or Afghanistan has problems relaxing and sleeping when they are demobilizing with that in the background, not to mention what it would be like for a Soldier with PTSD.


At the COSC course this week I have seen a wide variety of presenters from all three service branches. I've learned some useful things and I've learned that I already know a lot, which is comforting. At the very least, after having gone through this course, I won't go to Afghanistan wondering if there are things I don't know that the Army expects me to know. One of the take home messages is: wait until you get there because it is different everywhere. This is comforting on the one hand but disturbing on the other. It essentially underlines a major difficulty that the DoD has right now in dealing with behavioral health problems; that they are overstretched and don't have a coherent and integrated policy. Sound familiar?



There's been a ton of information presented this week on combat stress, PTSD, sexual assault in Iraq and Afghanistan, marital problems, drug and alcohol problems, suicide and homicide, but the overall message has been a metaphoric pat on the back for us, the wink, wink, good luck, goodbye, hang on for the ride, we are making this up as we go...

I know what I am expected to do, which is more than most people can say, I just don't know what the conditions will be. I have gathered that we go outside the wire a lot, visiting the Soldiers who are most at risk at their FOBs and COBs and radio relay stations. The scientist in me crunches the numbers, and is reassured. The chances of me getting blown up are pretty darn slim. Just to put this to bed, I hold on to thoughts of something like the Butterfly Effect, and imagine that my efforts in that theater and my words and deeds back at home will have triggered something meaningful, regardless of the trajectory of my life. That seems maudlin and dramatic, but that's okay. I suppose I'm forgiven for thinking a few dramatic thoughts about my own mortality in the context of shipping myself off to some foreign war, even though I'm more likely to die in an MVA on my way to the grocery store. What gets me is that somehow if you die on the way to the grocery store it is just dumb-tragic-luck, but if you volunteer to fight in a foreign land you have to take responsibility for the potential consequences of that extraordinary choice.

Obama...

However you feel about Obama, you have to admit that the man knows how to hit home runs with his speaking abilities (kind of refreshing, eh?)... Historical night.

Reconstitution

The Combat Stress course has, so far, been a PowerPoint-fest. On the upside I met some nice people, some smart guys flew in from Washington D.C. to present some hot-off-the-press research, and they finished off the day with a (**free**) Tex-Mex buffet and keg of Shiner Bock by the pool (it was Shiner Bock "lite" but it was free, so that made up for it being a little see-through.)

The research presented was from the most recent MHAT (Mental Health Advisory Team). This is an annual Army survey-based study of mental health issues in Iraq and Afghanistan, mostly sampling "trigger pullers" or people who are putting rounds downrange, kicking in doors, getting shot at, and getting blown up on the roads. Essentially they found what you would expect: that combat deployments cause a ton of mental health problems for Soldiers, longer deployments are more difficult, repeated deployments cause more problems, and somewhere between 20% and 30% of Soldiers are coming home from OIF and OEF with problematic psychiatric symptoms.

One of the key findings from Afghanistan was that Soldiers reported difficulty accessing behavioral health assets in theater (psychologists and other MH personnel). A major recommendation that the Army has acted upon in 2007 and 2008 is to forward deploy doctors as much as possible to the FOBS in Afghanistan, so that they are more accessible to troops who are spread across the generally remote and mountainous battlespace.

The presenter was good-- made the data interesting. During the presentation the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and whispered to me:

"I guess now we know who to blame if we end up getting deployed to a 100 man FOB at 8000 ft in the Hindu Kush."

I said, "At least you won't get sweaty sleeping in your body armor."

ESCAPE!

Thanks for the coffee and bagel Matt! You rock!!! I made it to San Antonio!!! And all my luggage showed up!!!

This is really why I'm going

An Army official said Thursday that 115 troops committed suicide in 2007, a nearly 13 percent increase over the previous year's 102.

Surpisingly (or not) suicide is a major issue in military mental health. Not a major issue in the sense that we just worry about it a lot, but a major issue in that suicidal active duty military members walk through our clinic doors all the time.

It's related to this (and I need to note that I did not know that 2007 had the heaviest US military casualties):

More U.S. troops also died overall in hostilities in 2007 than in any of the previous years in Iraq and Afghanistan. Overall violence increased in Afghanistan with a Taliban resurgence and overall deaths increased in Iraq, even as violence there declined in the second half of the year.

and this:

Records show roughly 40,000 troops have been diagnosed with the illness, also known as PTSD, since 2003. Officials believe that many more are likely keeping their illness a secret...
More troops also were serving their second, third or fourth tours of duty — a factor mental health experts say dramatically increases stress. And in order to supply enough forces for the buildup, officials also extended tour lengths to 15 months from 12, another factor that caused extra emotional strain.

PTSD in the news

Wartime PTSD cases jumped roughly 50 pct. in 2007

There has been a lot of PTSD press lately, and naturally I find this interesting. I guess that increased visibility is the first step towards validation for these men and women. I've noticed that discussion of PTSD is more accepted here among the Army Guard than it is in the Air Force, but it's still grossly misunderstood and no one really has any sense that there is a treatment (other than drugs) for PTSD. Even in the military medical world I have been stunned that no one really knows much about it, other than it's something you don't want, and if you get a patient who says they have it, you must immediately refer...

This weekend I'm traveling to San Antonio for a 1 week US Army course/conference on Combat Operational Stress Control. Ostensibly it will provide me with the Army doctrine for prevention and treatment of combat/ operational stress. It isn't a training for PTSD treatment (that's what I do at home), but it is the template for front-line psychological interventions for troops. I'll provide updates.

The Angry American ("we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way")

Combat Skills Training is complete. I'm now a trained killer-psychologist. I have the certificate that say's so. Mercifully I catch a 2:30am bus to the LaCrosse, WI airport where me and my 300 pounds of desert/urban camo gear, armor, and semi automatic weapons will be crammed onto my first of three flights. I'm sure all of it will be lost in baggage hell somewhere between rural Wisconsin and suburban Texas.

Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight, but I'm not hopeful. As I write, most of the enlisted from my barracks are at the Fort McCoy sports bar guzzling Budweiser and hitting on the 10 or 11 lucky female Airmen who decided to hang out and drink with the boys after our graduation barbecue. This doesn't bode well for a peaceful night. The 11pm "light's out" discipline has been slipping this week anyway: last night the Airmen were ordering delivery at 11:00pm, throwing down Little Caesar's Meat Lover pizza at midnight in their bunks (each guy had his very own 2 liter bottle of Coke). Then they play dice and yell obscenities at each other.

Saturday morning will be fun for those guys. Almost every day our Chief Master Sergeant wakes up at 5am and blasts his music over his cheap iPod docking station-- the late night pizza guys hate it... because they hate country music and they want to sleep off the soporific effects of synthetic mozzarella and a Coke hangover. Chief's favorite song is "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American)" by Toby Keith and on any given morning we will hear it at least three to four times. He also plays "Have you Forgotten?" by Darryl Worley at least once a morning. The Chief finds it very inspiring and contemplative and he can't see how anyone would not be moved... actually he would conclude that if you don't like it, then you must be a gay communist.

It's in this context that I've asked the guy in the bunk next to me to "please shoot me now" at least three or four times this month.

I've included the lyrics below. Amusing, depressing, or inspiring? I'll let you decide.

Next stop San Antonio, TX.


"Have you Forgotten?"

I hear people sayin'. We Don't need this war.
I say there's some things worth fightin' for.
What about our freedom, and this piece of ground?
We didn't get to keep 'em by backin' down.
They say we don't realize the mess we're gettin' in
Before you start preachin' let me ask you this my friend.
Have you forgotten, how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away
Have you forgotten, when those towers fell
We had neighbors still inside goin through a livin hell
And you say we shouldn't worry bout Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?
You took all the footage off my T.V.
Said it's too disturbin for you and me
It'll just breed anger is what the experts say
If it was up to me I'd show it everyday
Some say this country just out lookin' for a fight
Well after 9/11 man I'd have to say right.
Have you forgotten, how it felt that day?To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away
Have you forgotten when those towers fell
We had neighbors still inside goin' through a livin' hell
And we vow to get the ones behind Bin LadenHave you forgotten?
I've been there with the soldiers who've gone away to war
you can bet they remember just what they're fightin' for
Have you forgotten
All the people killed
Yes some went down like heroes
In that Pennsylvania field
Have you forgotten
About our Pentagon
All the loved ones that we lost
And those left to carry on
Don't you tell me not to worry 'bout Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?
Have you forgotten?
Have you forgotten?!


"Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American)"

American Girls and American Guys
We’ll always stand up and salute
We’ll always recognize when we see Old Glory Flying
There’s a lot of men dead so we can sleep in peace at night when we lay down our head
My daddy served in the army where he lost his right eye
But he flew a flag out in our yard until the day that he died
He wanted my mother, my brother, my sister and me
To grow up and live happy in the land of the free.
Now this nation that I love has fallen under attack
A mighty sucker punch came flying in from somewhere in the back
Soon as we could see clearly through our big black eye
Man, we lit up your world like the 4th of July
Hey Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty Started shaking her fist
And the eagle will fly
Man, it’s gonna be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom start ringing her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you Courtesy of the Red White and Blue
Justice will be served and the battle will rage
This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage
And you’ll be sorry that you messed with The U.S. of A.
'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass it's the American way
Hey Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist
And the eagle will fly man, it’s gonna be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom Start ringing her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you Courtesy of the Red White and Blue

Walking in other people's shoes

I guess you have to personally experience some things to really understand them.

I’ve worked with military families for almost three years now, mostly the moms and dads, married couples, a few teenagers here and there. I’ve heard horrible stories of overburdened spouses, the financial problems, the infidelity, the worry, the stress, the fear, the loss. For a long time now I’ve known that the life of the OEF/OIF military spouse is no party. The longer I work in military mental health the more I realize that the family that is left behind by the soldier is frequently overlooked and under-serviced, even though they may be just as stressed (albeit in different ways) as the deployed member. I’ve known this, but haven’t felt it.
I think a lot about my family and I’ve recently felt guilty about putting my kids through this deployment. They didn’t agree to it, they don’t want it, and they don’t understand it. When I leave, all the parenting and household responsibilities fall upon Colleen, and she has to take care of herself in the middle of all that… when all I have to take care of is myself and my job. All I’m saying is that the families need as much support, attention and accolades as the deployer…

Colleen is down sick this week and yet the demands of the day don’t stop. I may as well be a million miles away. I feel helpless… I’m starting to personally feel it and understand it.

Admin note

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Getting what I wished for

Things are winding down here for class 08-03 of the 602nd Training Squadron. There are a few classes still running through the 28th, with the 29th and 30th left for outprocessing. I’m not sure of our exact numbers, but there are about 120 of us getting ready to leave. All of us will be spread throughout Iraq and Afghanistan within the next two months. Our career fields are diverse: intelligence, transportation, communication, mental health, civil engineering. All of us are being pulled away from our traditional Air Force roles to be placed in Army roles, because of Army manning shortfalls. These are known as ILO (in lieu of) deployments. As in, I am being deployed in lieu of an Army psychologist. From a top down perspective this makes a lot of sense, since all of the services have people who do the same things, why not deploy them wherever we need them versus keeping sailors on boats and airmen at airfields?
This has been a fast change for our military, as we have to quickly re-engineer our forces to be able to support two separate hostile occupations in addition to our other big foreign commitment in Korea. I find it ironic that back in 2004 I spent so much time and thought considering clinical residencies in each of the services, carefully weighed the pros and cons of each, chose the Air Force, and yet here I am at Fort McCoy, getting ready to deploy with the Army.
I’m not bitter, honest. I have always said that the real work for psychologists is with the Army. They have a huge population of people who are under immense stressors. I used to say that the work I really wanted to do was with the Army, but I didn’t join specifically because I didn’t want to be deployed for 12 months or more, so it’s kind of funny that I am getting what I asked for… is my mouth writing checks that I can’t cash? I think I’ll be okay… this is the Army after all… the same organization where it is necessary to specifically teach soldiers NOT to apply tourniquets to an injured person’s neck.
But seriously, a friend made a valid point yesterday, insinuating that my sanity may be questionable for putting myself in a position to go off to support a war that I don’t believe in at the behest of a president whom I didn’t vote for. So this is my thumbnail explanation: it’s as simple as service to fellow Americans. I believe that it’s important to provide some sort of national service. This can be accomplished in many different ways of course, but for better or worse I have chosen to provide four years of service to those who fight the wars. War causes a lot of damage under the best of circumstances, and these convoluted, non-lethal wound generating, danger-is-everywhere conflicts have a steep price for those involved. I don’t see myself as a force multiplier, but I mitigate damage as it is being done and help clean up after the damage has been done (no one in the military comes to see me for preventative services anyway). When all is said and done, I know I will be proud to have walked down that road with these service members and their families, and hopefully I will have made a difference in many of their lives.

Upcoming movie: "The Road"

I don't know if I will be able to go see this movie. The book about broke my heart. If I do see I'm sure I will be a complete mess...

Memorial Day (Monday)

Memorial Day festivities in the woods: Army Warrior Training Part II. We high crawled, low crawled, threw grenades from kneeling and standing positions, and popped off alot of blank rounds. This was a half day activity taught by some guys who were eager to get us through the course ASAP so they could go drink beer. That was OK by me. This was my last course at CST. I followed this with two hours of basketball with the enlisted guys, our barracks versus the other barracks. Tomorrow I guess I'll start packing.

Backdoor draft

I periodically read other deployment blogs. Most of them are only sporadically updated, some are a little too personal (over-disclosure), and some are just about plain old opinion-broadcasting. I don't think I avoid disclosure or broadcasting my opinion, but I try to walk the line. I temper myself by trying to think of a potential employer (or customer) accessing the blog. That will hopefully keep me toned down.

I was recently reading a blog about an Army Capt's deployment to Iraq. I feel bad for him. He had separated from active duty but was called up from individual ready reserve (IRR) status two years after he got out. This is known as the "backdoor draft", which includes the Army "stop-loss" program. These are manpower tools that the DoD uses to make up for the fact that someone, somewhere, didn't plan so well for manpower needs in Iraq and Afghanistan, and an actual draft is a political nightmare. It's easier and cheaper to make a soldier stay beyond his committment or bring him back from the reserves than it is to recruit and train a new soldier. The IRR is supposed to be the bottom of the barrel, but the US Army has scraped it several times in the last few years. The Marines have also done it, and the USAF to a lesser extent. Lucky for me there are lots of psychologists in the USAF reserves who will be called up before they find me hiding down at the bottom of the barrel from 2009 through 2013.

Anyway, the Army Captain: he's safe at home now, but many of comments and descriptions are consistent with my own experience of spinning up for deployment and the Army in general. He discloses a bit more than I would, but his comments are funny:

"Pursuant to Presidential Executive order of 14 Sep 2001, you are relieved (haha!) from your present reserve status and ordered to report for a period of Active Duty . . . . not to exceed 545 days, unless extended or terminated by proper authority". Those words turned an ordinary day upside down and threw my quasi-normal life out the window.It was about a week before Thanksgiving, and at the time I was still working night shift. I typically slept during the day when I worked nights, and when Rache came home with Chester, he'd sprint upstairs to lick my face and wake me up, and Rache would give me a kiss hello. Today though, Rachael sat on the edge of the bed and started to cry (Chester, unaware anything was wrong, continued to lick my face). She handed me a large yellow envelope marked overnight priority from the Department of Defense. Now I was worried, because the Army never actually pays to send you anything. Inside was a folder with some info, and a one page sheet that looked very familiar - official DA orders. I read the 1st line (quoted above) and my heart sank, and I felt a strange pain like someone had just kicked me in the balls. After about 10 minutes where Rachael sobbed on my shoulder and I yelled disbelieving profanities, we settled down enough to call our parents and break the news. Poor Chester didnt know what the hell was going on, so he kept a timid distance for a while. That was a tough night, and I knew there were going to be many more. I called my boss and told him I wouldnt be in the rest of the week, and being an ex-82nd Airborne guy and a friend, he understood. So Rache and I got drunk, cried with our parents (yes, I cried for the 1st time in about 10 years), and went to sleep hoping we'd wake up and this would be a bad dream. Unfortunately, it wasn't.

Memorial Day

Over 36,000 troops wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan, more than half under the age of 24. If you want to donate any money you should consider Wounded Warrior Project. They are very active picking up where the DoD and VA leave off and are active lobbying for more federal support for wounded veterans.

In a remarkable display of military efficiency, I am now scheduled for one class over the next seven days. I don’t why it ended up this way, but it’s a big waste of people’s time and government money. A lot of people are upset over this, especially folks who are deploying straight to Iraq from this training. They’re bitter that they have to sit here on post under General Order No. 1, when they could be spending a few extra days with family before leaving the country. If I think about it too much I could also get bitter, so I try not to think about that. It is what it is. One senior NCO in our command actually told us to “stay motivated even if we have to be motivated while doing nothing.” Today we had a one hour block of instruction and the rest of the day free. The holiday weekend is completely open. On the surface this seems like a good situation, but when you are restricted to Fort McCoy it becomes less than good. Luckily I have made a few good friends with whom to pass the time and I have been logging huge hours at the gym. I’ve finished two books, listened to over 500 tracks on my iPod, watched several DVDs and I’ve been able to write almost everyday. Parole board meets in less than a week.

Baghdad Bureau

I've followed this blog for a little while. Interesting and seemed to echo some of my thoughts from yesterday.

M9 Range

Me (in the middle) and Jim and Kevin.

Relevance

Overall I have learned a lot of basic military skills which, even if I don’t actually have to exercise them, my level of knowledge will hopefully keep me from looking like an idiot when I enter “Army world” in Afghanistan.
The major themes of the course have become very clear: immediate first aid response, identifying and/or avoiding IEDs, and weapons familiarization. I am assuming this is a reflection of the reality of the wars these days.
On that note, one of the instructors in the combat lifesaver course told the class today that someone from the class in April had just been involved in an IED blast and lost a leg right after getting in country.
Being tucked away here, living and breathing the military life as I prepare to deploy, I have realized a few things (apart from the fact that I don’t like it). I have had an awareness that I generally haven’t talked about/thought about how soldiers, sailors, and airmen are dying in Iraq and Afghanistan every day. Even if a day goes by without a death, someone was having a close call, getting a limb blown off or getting their brain sloshed in their skull. Not that we forget, but it doesn’t seem like it is a prominent thing, because it doesn’t have that much relevance to our everyday lives. That’s not a profound insight but this sure is becoming relevant in my little world…

A month down (almost)

I think I have been here about four days shy of a full month. It’s gone by pretty fast when I think about it that way. I last left off my narrative before the road march. The march was about 4 miles on the road, two columns of USAF personnel in full battle rattle (I forgot my camera, but there wasn’t much to see anyway). We did the four miles in a touch over one hour. No one fell out and no one complained, but the next day about five or six people were limping from muscle pain and/or blisters. In the afternoon we completed HEAT training. HEAT stands for HMMWV Egress Assistance Trainer, or, how to get out of an upside down Humvee. They wouldn’t let me take pictures but it is basically a Humvee cab that rotates 360 degrees. They strap four people in, spin you around several times and finish it up at 180 degrees. You have to egress (milspeak for “get out”; also “utilize” = use, “secure” = get, “personnel” = people, “ya trackin’ = do you understand, and I still don’t know what “hooah” means) from the cab as quickly as possible, making sure you quickly collect all four crew members and all of your rubber possessions, like a rubber laptop, rubber M16s, and rubber ammo cans. In real life you would be knocked unconscious by the real laptop, the real M16s, and the real ammo cans and you would burn to death, so the training seems pointless, but they claimed (and I quote) that it “increases your chance of surviving a Humvee rollover by 250%.” I’m not sure where they got that statistic, but I like it.

Looks just like Iraq, doesn't it?

This was our test-- a patrol through the woods and we get surpised by a guy dressed as an Arab carrying an RPG and an AK 47. Our task? To search him, put him in flex cuffs, and maintain 360 degree security, and then bring him back to base. I was lucky enough to be the ranking guy, so I was squad leader and didn't have to do the body search. They found a 9mm pistol, by the way.

By the way, this meadow was absolutely beautiful with red flowers, green grass... great day to be outside.

Grappling?

Class on how to search, cuff, and tag a detainee. They were actually pretty decent about the whole thing, without dehumanizing jokes and lots of reminders to be humane and firm but not harmful.

Front Toward Enemy

Today I actually enjoyed the training. It was very low key, I was in a small group and the instructors were efficient, professional, and pleasant. The classes covered detainee search and restraint, use of a radio system that is no longer actually used (no matter), and HOW TO DEPLOY CLAYMORE MINES! I thought that was funny too. Struck me as an odd mix of classes, but it was a beautiful day and we got to walk around in the tick infested woods for a few hours.

Iraq/Afghanistan news

Yes, this link is a bit tilted, but I check it daily for a quick shot of war news.

A bunch of fatties

Today was a down day, with no training. I used it to go to the gym, catch up on phone calls, do laundry, read and write. Tomorrow is a four mile march in full gear. It should be a massacre. Yes, the USAF is overweight and out of shape. Judging by my experience with the Army here, they have the same problem. Generally the demographics mirror the US population at large, and if you ate at the chow hall here you would see why. They ALWAYS have heaps of burgers and fries and desserts and a rainbow selection of soft drinks-- all you can guzzle. Only the best for our warriors.
I know obesity is a complex issue and I'm being insensitive and unprofessional by using the term "fatties" but it really comes down to fact that many people eat too much, regardless of what type of food is eaten. You can get just as fat on expensive organic food as you can on the 79 cent menu at Taco Bell. I saw this quote in an article today: "Obesity is the toxic consequence of a failing economy." One more thing to blame it on... First it was carbs, then it was fat, then it was hormones, then it was back to carbs, now it's the economy. Why not just refrain from having thirds? Could US obesity rates be caused by people eating too much? Probably not.

Photos of the death march to follow...

Just to note, my remaining schedule only includes one day of something called "Army Warrior Training" (I think it includes crawling in the dirt and throwing grenades into empty houses-- that's part of the "Winning Hearts and Minds" campaign), Humvee rollover training (in a simulator), the M9 combat pistol course, and probably a bunch of standing around listening to half wits.

Bagram

I have heard of the detention facility at Bagram because I know they task some USAF psychologists there on BSCTs (behavioral science consultation team). I just read this in the NY Times. The USAF now only asks for volunteers for these assignments. I guess we will be there for some time to come eh?

Refusing to serve?

This will be interesting to follow. Like I said twice before, I'm glad I'm not going to Iraq. I've been reading "Ghost Wars" by Steve Coll, getting one guy's slant on the precursors to our Afghanistan invasion. It is interesting to see parallels between our covert support of insurgents during the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan and Iran's covert support of insurgents during the current US occupation of Iraq. We've gotten ourselves into a great big pot of stink in both places. Let's hope we have more wits than the Soviets did---

I can't wait for this...

Check this out. It was only a matter of time, but I hadn't heard of this project. Awesome.

"Bush may turn out to be the worst president in history,’’ he declares as he peeks into room after room. ‘’I think history is going to be very tough on him. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t a great story. It’s almost Capra-esque, the story of a guy who had very limited talents in life, except for the ability to sell himself.

The walk kneel and shoot...

Urban Ops

A fake village-- one squad moving through.

Winning Hearts and Minds

I read over some of my entries and I feel like I’ve been a little negative—maybe too critical. I have a tendency to be a sniper, sitting back, pointing out faults rather than strengths. Some people call me cynical. I like to think that I am a realist; because people generally find true cynics to be unappealing people, and in general (I think) I am judged by peers as a pleasant person. I use this as face validity for the argument that I am not a true cynic.

Okay, Urban Ops. I was kind of looking forward to this course because it sounds like something I shouldn’t be doing, and I’ve played the video game “Ghost Recon” on the Xbox and thought it was pretty cool. The course was actually a butt-kicker—about 11 hours on the short range course, running through squad movement tactics, room clearing in four-person stacks, and moving and firing a close range. Physically it was harder than normal because there was no sitting down and my body armor is starting to kill my shoulders (it’s too big). I have some numb spots and some weird burning pain when I move my shoulders in certain directions.

What I learned: how to clear a room and that I am a crappy shot with an M16 at short range when firing from a moving position. Oh well. The rationale for this course is that all of us MAY be in a convoy at some point and the convoy MAY have to stop in an urban area and there MAY be some event that forces the convoy to dismount and take over adjacent buildings. The convoy credo in the Army is that “there are no passengers in a convoy”. Luckily, that’s a lot of unlikely events that have to occur together in order for me to be involved in room clearing, etc., but I played along and was a good attentive student anyway.

What I learned part II: Hanging out with grunts (mostly infantry guys) has given me some exposure to the warrior ethos here at Ft McCoy. Understandably, they emphasize combat skills that are generally summed up as kill or be killed, but make sure you know what you are killing. The “kill or be killed” part is as old as human history and it makes sense for an army to emphasize this in the training. The “make sure you know what you are killing” part is one aspect of what is propped up as “winning hearts and minds”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this in the last three weeks. The funny part is that that phrase is often followed by phrases like “give him (insurgent) two new holes in his dead and give him a proper burial—kick some dirt on him and leave him to rot for his family.” Whenever the trainers make comments like that, me and another guy ask “Is that part of winning hearts and minds?”

The warrior ethos in laced with large doses of disrespect. It’s not enough to talk about using “controlled pairs” (a shot to the center of mass and a shot to the head) to take down a target, the trainers have to add gleeful anecdotes about shots that decapitate, shots that disembowel. My explanation for this is that most of these guys are young and have already deployed for at least one year. They emotionally repackage the gore as something that is glorious, justified and thrilling. If you have to be prepared to kill everyday, you can’t think of the targets as being humans if you want to keep on going. Some guys can do this and some guys can’t. That’s part of the reason why they send me…

My low point was when one of our USAF majors was repeatedly referring to Iraqi’s as “camel fuckers”. Good job major. Great example to set for the airmen.

The good news is that I am about two weeks from the end of this TDY and it looks like the schedule should lighten up from here on out. I can’t wait to see my family in June!

Levity

Cookie Monster Searches Deep within Himself and Asks: Is Me Really A Monster?

That's funny.

What am I doing here?

Fort McCoy continues to please, with two consecutive days of classroom instruction. I'll spare you the complete list of topics, but they ranged from "supervising field sanitation" to "negotiating with an interpreter". Some of it was repeat training (more on convoys, IED, and medevac) and some of it was propaganda blather. The instructors were a Master Sergeant and a Lieutenant, both infantry. Overall they seemed to be very familiar with the material, but it was all delivered via PowerPower and was devoid of conversation (other than the audience being cued to answer rhetorical yes/no questions). The Master Sergeant was sure to include a diatribe against "the liberal media that wants us to lose the war" and made mention of "the Communist News Network" as being an integral part of foiling our efforts in Iraq. He went on to use gems like the following: "we built a zoo in Baghdad a couple of years ago so that they could see a camel in it's natural environment (huh huh) and CNN didn't report that did they?" Bravo. Both instructors also made liberal use of hygiene references regarding the Iraqis, and no, this wasn't to point out differences in sanitation between the US and Iraq. It was more along the lines of: "it's our job to protect everyone over there, becaus ethey are just like us, right? Except they stink (huh huh)."

I don't want to Army-bash too much, but there is alot of bigoted commentary and veiled references related to collateral damage, Islam, and suggestions that the people live in filth and poverty because "that's part of their culture and all that freakiness they believe in." (Yes, that is an actual quote).

On to Air Force bashing: my day started off wrong when, at breakfast with two other USAF Captains and a Chief Master Sergeant, the topic of homosexuality came up. As the de facto "expert" on all things mysterious related to human nature I was peppered with questions and got wrapped up in arguing that people's sexuality had very little to do with their morality, their mental health, or anything else. I tried to argue that people's perceptions and ignorances were more relevant than anything else, and then I fell back on the suicide defense of stating that those who are the most homophobic are repressing something. Yes, it was a cop out, but they bought it and shut up. I had a poignant moment of feeling out of place, surrounded by assholes, asking myself what I was doing here, wondering where all of my friends are-- oh ya, I forgot; people like me generally don't join the military.

By the way, tomorrow is "urban ops". Going to learn how to kick in doors, clear rooms, stuff like that. I'll bring my notebook and camera...

No longer a Fobbit

Here back at Fort McCoy proper, at the computer lab at 2230 I can hear the drumbeat of machine gun in the background, a combo of 50 cal and M249 out on the range. Last night it was artillery until almost midnight. I'm glad I'm done with that for a while. Yesterday was a long day, spent mostly out on the "training lanes" in a live fire exercise (we were carrying and firing live 5.56mm ammunition in our M16's). We were split into three convoys of 40 "pax" (personnel) and 8 gun trucks each. The lane is basically a sprawling shooting range with dirt roads that run through fake villages with pop up targets and pre set pyrotechnics that simulate small arms fire, RPGs and IED blasts. Our task is to navigate a route, shoot the targets down, and respond to simulated battle damage when the instructors tell us that a truck has been disabled. The instructors (sitting in the back of trucks) throw down injury cards on people that indicate the extent of injuries and people in the convoy respond accordingly.

Our first mission was uneventful with one disabled truck (towed out of the kill zone) and one casualty who was prepared for medevac within 10 minutes.

The second mission was a bit more exciting. Our observer/trainer was an Army Sergeant who is also a former Marine (Sgt Engelberger). I like him, as he has very little attitude and seems perpetually gregarious and happy, but you can only understand 50% of what he says, and 50% of what you can make out is derived from the root word "fuck". He's one of those people who uses obscenities in a way that is somehow entertaining-- only certain people can pull this off. On the first part of the lane I had a malfunction with my rifle-- it kept double feeding rounds because it wouldn't eject the spent cartridge. I knew what was wrong, told Sgt Engelberger, and while we were driving he field stripped the rifle, repaired it using the spring from my ballpoint pen, put it back together, slapped in a magazine and stood up in the back of the moving truck-- he said "I hope my boss doesn't see me" and he test fired the rifle out of the back of the truck. The rifle worked and he gave it back to me. All of this occurred within 5 minutes. I was impressed.

A mile down the road we were told to execute a dismount (get out of the trucks) and respond to simulated fire from one side of the parked convoy (we were stopped due to an simulated IED in the road). This is something they told us that, in real life, we would almost never do, because the safest place is inside an up armored vehicle, not dismounted and exposed on a road. I think we did it just so that people other than the gunners got to shoot. Anyway, we dismounted on a small hill. Sgt Engelberger reminded everyone to maintain muzzle control and mumbled something about not wanting to get shot. His quote was "Don't wanna get shot with 5.56. That shit'll go in your arm and come out your leg." The gunner stayed in the truck and the rest of each crew paired off at either fender, with one person firing on targets and swapping to reload behind the truck. This was a graduation exercise of sorts, success being that we executed all tasks without shooting ourselves or each other.

It was a fun boy-thing to do... I quickly ran through three 30 round magazines (BUP BUP BUP BUPBUPBUPBUPBUPBUP) and then we got the order to mount up. A few miles down the road our truck was hit with a simulated RPG and our truck commander had a double leg amputation. My position was directly behind the passenger seat so I jammed myself up through the truck and heroically applied two tourniquets in under the four minute time limit-- we got towed into a safe zone and pulled our casualty out for medical care and packaging for medevac. During the preparation of a hasty landing zone the LZ team leader refused to go out into a field beside the road-- she kept screaming "I'm not going out there-- I'm allergic to grass-- I hate ticks too". The observers walked over and gave her a card that described a bullet wound to the chest-- she had been hit by a sniper and was now a casualty and we prepped the LZ without her. Unfortunately for her, she is very phobic of needles and from out in the field I could hear her screaming bloody murder while the combat lifesavers were applying an 18 gauge needle to her arm. The observers turn you into a casualty if you engage in some sort of behavior that is not tactically sound-- like standing around, taking your helmet off, taking the ballistic glasses off, etc. I think that we got to practice starting IV's at least 30-40 times throughout the 1 week of FOB training---

After we got back we were briefed and given kudos for being one of the best USAF groups that had gone through the course. The trainers said they were impressed, especially given our collective ignorance of combat ops. They further stroked our egos by saying we were better than a lot of Army units who were mobilizing these days. I don't know if that made me feel good about our group or afraid for all the Army units--

In all seriousness, this experience is unpleasant and has 100% locked-in my intention to drop my separation paperwork as soon as I can. However, I am truly glad I'm getting this convoy training because convoys sit as one of my biggest fears related to this deployment...

The hooch at the FOB

I'm on a top bunk-- pretty comfortable-- better than the barracks.

Only one more day at the FOB

This was my view yesterday during the base defense exercise. The field has a variety of pop up targets (terrorists with turbans and AK47s, little kids holding chickens). You have to hit the terrorists as soon as possible or else the trainer count you as a casualty. My partner (A Navy Petty Officer) and I shot hundreds of rounds (please note the number of magazines on the platform). Places like this will someday be superfund sites due to the amount of spent lead that surely leaches into the groundwater. Despite that, it was a ton of video game fun even though I think I was violating my Geneva Convention status as a non-combatant!
I'm really excited to get the hell out of here-- only around two more weeks.

Still smiling...

There is alot of discomfort here, mostly related to standing around or sitting around in heavy gear. This is a shot from the backseat of one of the Humvees. This was the end of a 10 hour day in that thing. Like I have said before, I REALLY hope I don't convoy much because I barely fit in the thing, and I have heard the up-armored Humvees are worse. Mostly my spirit is pretty high, although I miss my family alot and think often about what I might be missing on any given morning or afternoon or evening. My peer group (other company grade officers) is generally a good group of guys, although most people are politically conservative and some people say some downright outrageous things-- I think because everyone assumes that everybody else has the same viewpoint: that CNN stands for Communist News Network, that the Clintons are evil incarnate, and that Obama is a radical leftist. The more senior officers and the most junior enlisted seem to have the most radical views. The guys my age are more moderate and more concerned about family issues and economics and much more likely to doubt that they have a long term future in the military. Because it is an election year, of course people talk politics. I often keep my mouth shut just because I don't want to get into it, and in uniform it seems innappropriate. I do think that the most conservative folks are the most outspoken because on an Army post it is much safer to be conservative than it is to be liberal. Among both USAF and Army there is an outspoken objectification of Muslims and liberal use of the term "hajji". The Army trainers basically classify Iraqi's as filthy people, some of whom are violent insurgents and some who are not. You can't shoot the ones who don't have guns, but they are all dirty. I give them a break because they aren't here to teach us about culture or strategy, just here to teach us about staying alive, but it does drive me nuts on some days... I'm sure that that there are others who have views similar to my own, but we mostly remain quiet. Maybe that will change when I am in country, but maybe not. I guess I'll wait and see.

Convoy Training

We've done lots of these kinds of exercises-- lots of smoke, flash bangs, carrying stretchers, pulling disabled Humvees out of the "kill zone". Everyone takes this training pretty seriously since convoys are often where people are losing life and limb in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Chow Hall at FOB

Yep, we have to stand. There is CNN projected on the far wall. The food is on par with what is back at Ft McCoy-- pretty bad but there is a range of options, and they have soy milk. The dinners generally suck, gross meat in a variety of thick sauces, poured over white rice or noodles. If I am deployed to a FOB I sure hope the food is better than this...

FOB Freedom

I have a down day today and brief access to computers at the command post. I was one of a minority of people who qualified on the Army M16 range and all of the non qualifiers have a full day on the range today, while the qualifiers can rest at the FOB. I got up at 0600 for breakfast, got my MRE for lunch, shaved in the Hygiene Tent and get a joyful day without body armor on my shoulders. I have numb spots across my upper back... Pic is of the FOB from the perimeter fence.

Last post for 8 days

Tomorrow night we head out to one of the FOBs here at Ft McCoy. We are slated to do IED and convoy training, urban ops, sniper defense, base defense, and entry control point exercises. We will also do several live-fire exercises on the final two days-- mostly convoy stuff with live ammo. That should be exciting, as long as no one shoots someone else. I will be careful-- Sounds like we will be living in bunkbeds in tents, cold showers, porta-potties, all that good stuff... today I had a free morning and went to the gym to run a bunch of miles. I listened to music and watched CNN, reading the closed captioning. I had a moment on the treadmill where I almost starting crying, a story concerning several young boys who were accidentally killed by a US airstrike in Sadr City. One part of the story showed a crying man who's son was killed, and his older son was just killed 40 days before that. He didn't know where his third son was, alive or dead. His face about broke my heart, as he was lying in the dirt by his 10 yr old son's dead body. I could vividily imagine his grief and anger. What a freaking mess.

The laser range

Practicing our M16 fundamentals on the indoor laser range.

Today's class

M16 familiarization class, the Army version. There were only nine of us in the class so that was kind of cool.

The Cafeteria

Everyone kicked in a few bucks for a microwave, a coffee maker and a variety of snack foods. People also put rejected MRE's on this table. The veggie burgerMREs aren't very popular here.

The "chili with beans" MRE

Here's a pic of someone's lunch-in-a-bag

Combat Lifesaver is complete

We spent all day out at the FOB doing our exercises and got a glimpse of where we will be living for 7 days starting Monday night. Shouldn't be too bad but less comfortable than the barracks and lots of body armor wearing everywhere we go. No computers either, but we will have access to an outlet, so that means I can bring my phone and my iPod. I'm also looking forward to being back with the other officers, as it has been a little lonely the past four days. I've realized how young these soldiers and Airmen are, although the Army Gaurdsmen and Reservist are a bit older. It's been fun to meet people from all over the country, everyone is mobilizing. I realized how disconnected most of us are from this war when places like this are a hive of activity, all directed towards getting soldiers on the ground in Iraq-- thousands of people coming and going. Everyone has a story, some of them strange and some of them horrific, some funny. People don't really talk about the war, other than talking about ways to fight better or stay safe. Some people don't want to go and others brag about how they just got back 6 months ago, and now volunteered for another 12. Talking with the medics really realigned my thinking and made me realize that the DoD releases scant information about casualties and deaths. I think that's a shame. I guess I'll write it all down and save it for after I am out of the service-- all I can say is, I'm glad I'm not going to Iraq.