Distillation

As I round the corner on my last month in Afghanistan I have been thinking about why it has been hard for me. There was a time back in September when I wasn't sure if I could make it, and this was mostly due to my fears that I wouldn't make it. Serving as the regional shrink and de facto confidant of so many people I have gotten a unique perspective into the hearts and minds of these Americans, and I know that my fears do not set me apart.

One thing that many of us share is the grinding repetitiveness of a 7 day work week overlayed with a perpetual sense of malevolent unpredictability. When something unpredictable happens, it is almost always bad. You don't get many "good" surprises here. There is an ever-present sense of the reality that it isn't a matter of "if", it is a matter of "when."

For some of us this is less imminent than it is for others. For those Soldiers who experience this daily or weekly, it changes them. For those who have experienced this four or five times since 2001, it permanently alters things.

If you can, imagine driving to work every day with the knowledge that there is a chance that at any moment a catastrophic explosion could rip through your vehicle, killing or maiming you in an instant. Imagine knowing that even though you realize that this happens to people (you have even pulled blackened bodies out of blasted vehicles and you know the smell of burned human flesh) you still have to make the commute down this road, because it is your job.

If you can really imagine this, then you start to realize that it has the potential to change the way you look at the world, other people, your life. Politics don't matter when you drive down that road.

I think Americans forget about the people who serve in these wars because they get caught up in the politics, the morality, the economics, the symbolism. Our military becomes a monolithic symbol for something-- whether it be a symbol of heroism or a symbol of imperialism. But when it comes down to it the people who make up our armed forces are sons and daughters, fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters-- normal people who laugh and smile, cry and hurt, people who commit both heroic and atrocious deeds. In short, normal people just like you.

Regardless of why we are all here, it gets complicated for the people who actually are here. No longer about right or wrong, justified or unjustified. It boils down to something different for the people who are actually on the ground, and as the politics and morality evaporate there is nothing left but a substrate of something else.

What that is is difficult to describe, but if you know what I'm talking about, then you know...