The Pessimist Inside

Dear Afghanistan—the sweet melody of gunfire and concussions from exploding ordnance. I am finding that I have an increasingly cynical view of the state of things in Afghanistan. I forgive myself for that. My job here is to do my job, and no where does it say that I’m required to think optimistically about our mission here.

It seems so alien here to me that we must also seem like aliens to the Afghans. We are barricaded up in our forts and when we do leave the wire we are covered in armor and armed to the teeth.

This is a country of nomads, mud hut villages, war bands and chieftains. Violence is an everyday event here. Women are chattel and lives in general are disposable. This seems like the way life is here, and it hasn’t changed in this country for thousands of years. I am skeptical that we can alter the course of this country when our culture and way of life is so different. We may as well be from a different planet.

I have to admit that this attitude leaves me with a lower level of motivation—makes me think that I just want to get home and forget about Afghanistan.

I’ve spoken with combat arms guys who like their jobs—they like killing bad guys and the overall purpose or end point of the mission is irrelevant. Their job is to kill the enemy so it doesn’t matter why, and it doesn’t matter whether or not it ends.

That is an adaptive stance for a Soldier, because how could you keep on risking your life for something that seemed pointless. For them, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. They chose the path of the Soldier and this is the way it is.

I think that’s my struggle. Part of me thinks it’s pointless and I don’t want to risk my life for something that is hopeless or misguided. I find myself dismissing the Afghans as a people who chop off heads in the name of Allah, so why should we care, why should we sacrifice our children for these primitive people who will just keep on killing each other and killing western soldiers for as long as we stay here.

I just have to openly admit to this dichotomy in my thinking. One side of me is very much a positive US Air Force officer who is here doing a good job, being the brave, uncomplaining Airmen who is playing my role in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. The other side of me is a man who feels caught up in a pointless war in a medieval hell-hole, and I just want to get it over with and forget about the whole thing.

I flip back and forth. I know the second viewpoint is not very conducive to good morale so I keep that thinking corralled as much as possible. I have to express it and those of you know me well will recognize that, but it is also very important for me to live that other role as a military officer.

But, I see now how combat veterans come back with deep resentment and bigoted attitudes towards the people of these countries we fight in. I’ve made comments about these attitudes on this very website so I guess I’m eating crow a little bit, because I am admitting to some of those same attitudes…

Maybe more on that later.